this isn't what I signed up for...

Reconciling the pet you have versus the pet you thought you would get – Emotionally navigating behavioral challenges.

(Pro tip: give it time.)

Photo by author - From Hallmark Movie, "Love and Sunshine"

I'm wordy, and attention spans are short. Scroll past the text for resources.

Often, when a pet is struggling, so is their person.

You imagined pet ownership would be a magical experience, but it’s not going so well.

New Pet is destroying your home, growling and lunging at other dogs, neighbors are complaining about the constant barking, and they are peeing everywhere BUT the litterbox.

You’re overwhelmed.

You're mourning the vision of what you expected pet parenting to look like.

You find yourself regretful and panicked about the next decade-plus commitment you've made to spending with a pet you may not like right now.

Yet, it feels taboo to talk about.
Because (insert sarcasm) what kind of person doesn’t like their pet?

But here's the thing: It was never meant to be love at first sight. Relationships are complicated. They take work. And time. And patience. There may be tears. Regret. Shame. Second-guessing decisions. Wishing you could rewind time.

This is actually an appropriate reaction to getting into a brand-new relationship with someone you just met. We just don't see those moments on social media. The fear of judgment makes a time when we MOST need support, an isolating experience.

Then,

The truth is, complicated relationships are a “thing.”

And more common than you could ever imagine.

So why AREN’T we talking about them?

I’m passionate about having these conversations because I lived here.

I thought I would die here (ok, dramatic exaggeration, but it was a bad time in my life).

We often seek guidance on how to "fix" the pet's behavior.

And while training can be a game-changer, it’s not always enough.

I wasn’t any closer to “okay.”

The more I committed myself to improving New Dog's experience of the world, the more I limited my world. The more I lost myself. The more I neglected my needs. And the worse my life became. We also need to acknowledge OUR pain and OUR emotional experience.

I needed a space to process the disappointment, resentment, anxiety & caregiver burden.

It was not until I found myself on a therapist's couch that I finally saw MY part.

I learned MY emotional health mattered too.

I began to focus less on change and more on acceptance.

I stopped blaming New Dog for ruining my life (as if that was ever her intent).

New Dog was still New Dog, but I was coping more effectively.

I leaned into the relationship I was in and away from the fantasy.

I realized Connection doesn’t always look like what we expect.

We started there.

Here's the thing I wish I knew sooner:

You're not a terrible person if you're not madly in love with your pet.

Regardless of the species, relationships are complicated and take time to develop.

Sure, sometimes we get lucky, and that chemistry sparks right away.

But love can also be a slow build.

So, how did I NOT know...

That it would take time to get into a rhythm of figuring out how to do life together?

That there's baggage from both parties to sort through?

That there would be expectations to check. Patience to be had. Trust to be developed?

Because we never saw anything other than the idyllic pet/human bond.

Had I gone in knowing that complicated relationships were a “Thing,” the foundation on which our relationship was built could have been stronger. Had my expectations not set me up for disappointment, I might have had more trust in the process, acceptance of what was in front of me, and far fewer meltdowns.

So, again, why AREN’T we talking about this?

We are.

But it's not as accessible as the good stuff.

And when we don’t see ourselves represented, we feel alone when we just want to fit in.

So we stay silent.

We pretend everything is going great. We post cute photos on Facebook because we want to fit in. I wish someone had normalized my experience and told me about this secret society.

If you’re feeling stuck in your relationship, your people are out there.

There are places that you will feel seen and understood.

In honor of all the underdogs, and especially my underdog, Millie, after finding the "things," that helped me, I share them with you.

emotional support for complicated relationships.

Handlers and Humans

Mental Health for Dog People. "This is the training your dog sends you to."

Handlers & Humans is a mental health resource for people who love, live with, and work with complex dogs... created by a licensed therapist who has been there with her own reactive dog. Whether you’re a dog guardian or professional, you’ll find support here through education, coaching, and community.

Human Support Services by Insight Animal Behavior Services
Individual and group support

Caring for pets with behavioral challenges as a pet owner, veterinary or pet professional is an emotional experience. That’s why, as a veterinary behavior practice, we offer Human Support Services to help those on the human side of human-animal interactions navigate the path forward.

Behavior Resource Guidebook - The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center

This serves all ends of the leash! Resources include emotional coping skills, psychoeducation, and practical rehoming & training resources.

certified animal behavior consultants.

Behavioral Consultants are experts in animal psychology. They look at the underlying reasons behind the behavior and use advanced, humane techniques for complex issues when basic training is not enough.

Rescued by Training

Kate LaSala, CTC, CBCC-KA, PCBC-A, CSAT, FFCP-E is a professional dog trainer and certified behavior consultant specializing in fear and aggression management. I've personally worked with her and receive no compensation for my rec - I have never worked with someone more understanding, knowledgeable, and straightforward. In addition to training, she offers consultations to guide pet parents through difficult decisions, including rehoming, surrendering, and behavioral euthanasia.

From Kate's blog.

The Importance of Really Liking Your Dog

The Hidden Toll of Living With a Reactive or Anxious Dog

How To Love a Fearful Dog

Pawsitive Vibes Cat Behavior & Training - Certified Cat Behavior Consultant

Laura Cassidy, certified cat behavior consultant, offers virtual consultations on litter box issues, inter-cat conflict, aggression, destruction, and more. She also provides consultations on behavioral euthanasia. She also has a blog with free cat behavior resources.